Kids screeching and playing right outside my office window
People tell me I look young, and when I order a drink, waiters spend a long time focusing on my ID. Someone literally was moving it back and forth in their face. I bought alcohol from a store for the first time today. I was so nervous the cashier would not take it or something, that i’d have to prove it some other way. Anyway, tried a new Seagram’s (yes, cheapy cheapy) cooler. It’s called “Jamaican Me Crazy”. Really good.
Just Some Ramblings
I was abused emotionally, physically, and once, almost sexually if there wasn’t someone walking through the door. The later person ended up in prison for killing his wife outside of a courthouse
I was heavily bullied to the point of harsh pranks being pulled on me. I never belonged anywhere and the only friends I had ended up dating any guy I was interested in or dating at the time. OR they gossiped about me. My closest friend ended up brainwashed into thinking gays are evil.
The one guy I truly fell in love with, we broke up because, well, i’m not sure, but I think he cheated and just lost feelings for me. I think about him once in a while, and I know i’ll always have a permanent space in my heart for him. I fear him killing himself. He lost his mom about a year ago to leukemia and his dad a while later, from what, I don’t know. He’s been drinking alot lately. Something he said he was against. He wouldn’t even have anything with vanilla extract in it because of the bit of alcohol in it. I have nothing against drinking. I love it, but it isn’t him. That’s not the person he is. He’s doing god knows what. I know he’s smoking pot. Another thing i’m not against, but again, it isn’t him. It’s like he just doesn’t care for himself anymore, and I can understand why. I worry, but, you just can’t get through to him, you know. I want to reach out to him. I know he was with my very best friend, my childhood friend iv’e known since about second grade, but I don’t care. I’m past it. It troubles me.
I I was good in high school., Where am I now? At home every day, doing nothing, because my mom didn’t expect me to get that far. She also shattered any dream I had. I have hardly any motivation. I go to job interviews….. the recent LIED to me, saying they don’t do interviews on that day. Someone in the house where I live overheard and could confirm that the day the manager said was indeed the day that I went up there for the interview. So they LIED. Why? I know to keep trying, but i’m also a person who wonders why, why things happen, you know? I was spotless, nothing risque showing, positive, so what was it?
I’ve been to a hospital for planning my suicide once. My mom threatens, anytime anything happens (for no rational cause) that she’ll put me in it again, going as far as to say she’ll lie to get me in. I remain depressed to this day. People say put it all behind me. I do, but something brings something to the surface. Something triggers it.The abuse, the bullying…. things remind me of them. I’m haunted by them. I just want it all to end, but it is a crime to kill yourself or want to die. You have to pretend that life is rosy- smelling shit and rainbows, hide everything, and then die, knowing you’ve conformed to what everybody in society expects from a person.